Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
