I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
