i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She's the barista slut.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
