I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize