sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
