they need to just BURY HIM!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
