and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
love makes seman taste better
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
