Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
