Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
