I accidentally had phone sex last night
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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