I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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