My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
