was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
