I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
