Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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