Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize