I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
