i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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