Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
