I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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