I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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