i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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