I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
