the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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