I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize