I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
