She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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