your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
