There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize