Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
