i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
