Soap is not a condiment
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
