They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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