I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
