Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
