i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
