So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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