dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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