Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
