some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
