Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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