Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
