i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The air was thick with penises
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
