Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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