we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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