Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
