In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
