Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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