Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
