dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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