He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
