If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
