Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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