I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
