The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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