smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I would fuck him just for his dog
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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