My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
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