Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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