Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize