I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
