Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize