dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
